FBI Unlocks Terrorist’s iPhone by Leaving It Unguarded at Popular Girls’ Lunch Table
Mar31

FBI Unlocks Terrorist’s iPhone by Leaving It Unguarded at Popular Girls’ Lunch Table

WASHINGTON – In what is being hailed by many as a stroke of brilliance, the FBI this week managed to unlock the phone formerly belonging to one of the San Bernardino shooters by leaving it unguarded at the table of the popular girls at a local public high school. One of the agents got the idea when he witnessed his fourteen-year-old daughter hack into a rival peer’s Facebook account “just to mess with her,” sources say. After...

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Get Through the Rest of the 2016 Presidential Primaries With This Drinking Game
Mar30

Get Through the Rest of the 2016 Presidential Primaries With This Drinking Game

We’re hitting the home stretch of the primary season, which means we’re maybe halfway through this election cycle. Just seven more months to go! While I don’t know who is going to win either party’s nomination, I do know we still have lot of bullshit to get through before this whole mess is over. Bullshit that we’d all rather not deal with. But there’s a solution! The same solution I use for all the...

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Cleveland Indians to Host ‘Beer Vendors in Thongs Night’
Mar30

Cleveland Indians to Host ‘Beer Vendors in Thongs Night’

    More jokes, at no extra...

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Ted Cruz Quickly Devours Bird Fluttering Past Podium
Mar29

Ted Cruz Quickly Devours Bird Fluttering Past Podium

    More jokes, at no extra...

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Ham is the Worst Meat in the World
Mar29

Ham is the Worst Meat in the World

I didn’t write a 6,000-word longform piece detailing how ham is the worst meat on the planet, but I could if I wanted to. Do you hear me, National Ham Council? I could if I wanted to! But after suffering through another ham-infested Easter, I know I can no longer stand idly by and watch as this subpar meat is prominently featured in two major holidays (Easter and Christmas) and continues to infringe on another (Thanksgiving)....

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