Ted Cruz is Jack the Ripper

Ted Cruz Jack the Ripper

Right now, there is a groundswell of support for the very credible idea that Ted Cruz is the infamous (and still anonymous) Zodiac Killer, who was linked to at least five murders – but claimed 37 – in Northern California in the late 1960s and early 1970s. But I’m going to take it a step further.

There is no doubt in my mind that Ted Cruz is also Jack the Ripper.

You might be asking yourself, “Jack the Ripper? You mean the unidentified serial killer from 19th century London who murdered at least eleven women? AND you think he’s the Zodiac Killer?!”

That’s right – there is every reason in the world to suspect that Ted Cruz, the man millions of Republicans are supporting to be the next president of the United States, is a man not subject to time’s boundaries. And in his ability to travel through time, he has made it his sole purpose to torment mankind through gruesome killing sprees.

And now, he’s running for president, aiming to unleash a murderous terror unlike anything ever seen before.

There have been, of course, numerous Jack the Ripper suspects throughout the years, but nothing definitive. How could the most notorious serial killer in human history escape identification for so long? The only logical answer is because he is a time-traveling monster who has been under our noses the entire time, unleashing a horrifying parade of murder whenever he pleases. It happened in 19th century London, it happened in Northern California in the 60s and 70s, and it’s going to happen again. A future generation will know the horror of an unexplained, unsolved string of murders and seemingly have no answer. But the answer is right in front of us, and it is begging to be the leader of the free world.

But Ted Cruz will inevitably lose the presidential race and fade from the political limelight, and there will be a time years down the road where someone you know might ask, “Hey, you remember Ted Cruz? Whatever happened to that guy?” And you’ll think for a moment, unable to remember the last time you saw him on television or ever saw his name in print. That will now be your realization that he has moved on to another time period, plotting his newest murders. Will he be the St. Louis Slasher? The Hong Kong Horror? Perhaps the Dublin Devil? We don’t yet know where he’ll strike, but when you learn of these “unexplained” murders, you’ll know who committed them: Ted Cruz.

There is no evidence that Ted Cruz isn’t a time-traveling serial killer – or that Jack the Ripper and the Zodiac Killer aren’t the same person – so it’s wrong to dismiss it out of hand. Until Cruz defiantly objects to the notion that he murdered at least eleven women at the tail end of the 19th century, I will stay convinced that we have already discovered who Jack the Ripper is, and he still walks among us.



Steve DiMatteo

Author: Steve DiMatteo

Steve is an editor for Robot Butt. You can follow him on Twitter @steve_dimatteo.

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