Irrefutable Evidence Deemed Inadmissible Against Wealthy White Man

Judge in Courtroom

NEW YORK CITY – The evidence recovered from the most recent heist among a string of bank robberies around New York City this month was deemed inadmissible against Wall Street executive Jeff Woods on Monday.

Upon learning of Woods’ income and ethnicity, judge Dan Lypton determined that the surveillance footage and exact fingerprint matches had no relevance to the proceedings, and immediately acquitted Woods of any wrongdoing. Lypton later expressed his dissatisfaction regarding Woods’ initial arrest to The Wall Street Journal. 

“Yet again, we have another case of extreme abuse of power against a poor Wall Street executive and, most alarmingly, a white man,” Lypton said.

Woods has been exonerated of multiple financial crimes in the past, having served no jail time for the numerous indictments of embezzlement and fraud against him over the last decade. Marcus Ellison, a Brooklyn journalist who has followed and documented Woods’ fiscal crime history, is disappointed but not surprised at the verdict.

“I knew he could get away with misappropriating funds, but I really hoped that literally robbing a bank might be where they drew the line,” Ellison said.

Marianne Woods-Martin, Woods’ 84-year-old mother, made an appearance on Good Morning America Monday denying the claims against her son.

“These allegations really make me sick,” Woods-Martin tearily proclaimed. “My son is a saint. He has never had to wait for a table and his college tuition was paid in full. What kind of world are we living in where we don’t even care that this man is affluent and white?”

Upon being released, Woods returned to his upscale penthouse loft with bags full of unmarked bills.



Robot Butt News Corp.

Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

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