Top 5 Classy Ways to Start an Apartment Fire

Apartment Fire

1. A Few Dozen Candles to Surround a Bubble Bath

This one takes some very deliberate installation of three dozen luxury-scented candles. Each open flame should be on top of or near a stack of cashmere towels to ensure an ultimate engulfing of your living quarters. Real cashmere! It matters. Above all else, the aesthetic is extremely important when you are burning yourself alive. Remember, the candles will take some time to fully ignite your home, so kick back in the bubbly with some bubbly! Perhaps a 750ml bottle of Remy Martin’s finest brandy…pinkies out!

2. Homemade Fireplace on Date Night

Great for a night that’s expected to get a little heated! Following an intense, romantic, overpriced Italian meal, gather together all the fallen tree limbs or logs from your local forest/home improvement store. Mark an open corner in your imperial master bedroom to arrange the lumber for a mighty poetic blaze. The striking beauty will far outweigh the minuscule loss of all your precious belongings and entire existence! Make sure to have protection as well. Babies are not classy.

3. Falling Asleep While Smoking a Cigar

The hell with a lousy square! Light up a premium Cuban cigar or two with a match when you lay down for rest. Those stogies are going to burn for a good while. Lie back in your cedar davenport and watch the thick, elegant Cuban smoke fill up the penthouse almost as quickly as the burning structure shortly to follow. You might not wake up to a full apartment. You might not even wake up! Sweet dreams.

4. Preparing a Steak in a 6-in-1 Toaster

Starting off, you need to turn this high-functioning fire starter to broil. Now lay that precious filet mignon (specialty order from Japan) down on the metal rack. The meat should be tossed in extra-virgin Lambda olive oil beforehand to guarantee flammability. Now, wait at least 30 minutes, or until the shelf inside is glowing bright red. Keep the device plugged in; you might want to take a couple steps back before the exquisite detonation. High-class people take their apartments well-done.

5. A Trail of Chardonnay From the Gas Stove

A bottle from 1982 or earlier is preferred. Once you have popped the cork and laid a distinct track of every last dram of the finest wine starting at the gas stove, ending at the front entrance, you are ready to light this baby up! Flick on a diamond-encrusted Zippo and throw it majestically at the stream of alcohol that will most likely take out the entire complex and the villas next door. Don’t forget to start with a simple toast to your grandiosity before perishing horribly in the flames.

 

 




Al Spencer

Author: Al Spencer

I don't work on Mondays. Follow me on Twitter @alspencercomic .

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