21 Ways Presidential Candidates Can Prove They Love New Hampshire the Most

John Kasich

As the first state in the nation to have an actual primary vote, New Hampshire holds a ton of significance in the race for the White House. If you flounder here, your campaign could be toast. Put up a great showing as an underdog, though, and it could be just what you need to get your campaign rolling.

So if you’re serious about becoming the next president, you need to prove to New Hampshire residents that you truly love the state more than the rest of those posers you’re running against. Be sure to utilize these tips as you campaign in the Granite State:

  • Alter your Wikipedia page to say you were born in New Hampshire.
  • Mention how much you love coming up to New Hampshire in the fall to marvel at the colorful temperate broadleaf and mixed forests biome.
  • Hold a town hall meeting outside with undecided voters, dig a small hole in the ground, pull down your pants and just go to town.
  • Propose that all states – if they haven’t already done so – change their names to include the word “New,” such as “New Ohio,” “New California” and “New South Dakota.”
  • Declare that all company headquarters will be moved to the state during your first day in office.
  • Name more than two cities in the state.
  • Claim that the state consumes every fiber of your being, rendering you incapable of functioning like a normal human being.
  • Show up and say, “Hi. I’m Bernie Sanders.”
  • Tell everyone you meet that Live Free or Die Hard is your favorite New Hampshire-inspired action film.
  • Discover a ripple in the space-time continuum and exploit it to hold millions upon millions of town halls.
  • Wow millennial voters with an update to the old “Virginia is for Lovers” slogan by creating the “New Hampshire is for Hovers” campaign, featuring candidates on hoverboards.
  • Laud the racially pure New England lifestyle as “America’s future.”
  • Get in with the pun-loving baby boomers by proclaiming you’re “a candidate who is sure to WINnipesaukee the general election.”
  • Grab a brook trout straight out of the water like a grizzly bear and eat it to show your appreciation of the state’s official freshwater game fish.
  • Make a bunch of empty promises, ending each one with, “We’re going to do that, right here in New Hampshire!”
  • Effigies of your opponents never fail to rile up a crowd of potential supporters.
  • Wrestle a pig or beat a bunch of people at horseshoes…you know, whatever they do up there.
  • Talk about southerners in hushed tones, and always check over your shoulders to make sure one of them isn’t within earshot.
  • Take stabs at outdated practices and say things like, “Maybe in Old Hampshire, but not here in NEW HAMPSHIRE!
  • Get the profile of the state tattooed on your lower back, revealing it to the crowd in an oddly sexual climax.
  • Show you’re a real native by taking a big bite of that famous state fruit, the…pumpkin.

 

 




The Robot Butt Staff

Author: The Robot Butt Staff

We're the Robot Butt staff, hired right after the experiment of typewriting monkeys went horribly wrong.

Share This Post On