16 Tips for a Better Love Life in 2016

Couple in Love

So it’s 2016 and your love life just isn’t what you hoped it would be. That’s okay, because we’re here to help you turn things around.

Is your resolution to spice things up in the bedroom? Do you simply just want to meet someone? No matter what you want for your love life, utilizing the following scintillating tips will ensure that you get everything you want in the love department this year.

1. Invest in your love life. Let someone know just how special they are by sending your dick pics in 4K this time.

2. Role-playing can add some excitement in the bedroom. Spice things up by pretending you are a competent and unselfish lover.

3. It’s better to arrive fashionably late to an orgy than to come first.

4. A good safe word should be something specific and unlikely to be uttered casually. Some good examples are: “Tangerine,” “Maple Leaf,” and “Did you watch last night’s 2 Broke Girls? I thought it did a really good job exploring the socio-economic state of our society.”

5. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner what you like. Especially when what you like is “Not you.”

6. If you’re an ISIS sympathizer, it’s hard finding a like-minded lover. We get that. So why not save that kind of talk for the second or third date, rather than leading with it as soon as you meet someone you like?

7. If you haven’t found someone by March, well, you probably never will. How’s that for motivation to get out there and start dating?

8. Look, you’re gonna do butt stuff eventually. Might as well get used to it.

9. If you truly love something, it may turn to stone, so be careful.

10. It’s better to have loved and lost, because at least you’ll have a reason to be a mopey shit all the time.

11. Watch an adult film for pointers. Keep in mind that all of your significant other’s exes did it just like these performers.

12. In order to build your lover up, you must first tear them down. Be sure you verbally, physically and mentally insult your significant other as often as possible. They’ll thank you for it in the bedroom!

13. It’s not you, it’s them. If she can’t accept your obsession with gruesome crime scene photos, and forbids you from hanging them up throughout the house, then she’s just not the one for you.

14. Spice up the bedroom by framing photos of your raunchiest-looking family members on the walls.

15. A gimp suit only works if it truly feels like it’s a part of you. Get used to your new gimp suit by wearing it 24 hours a day, anywhere and everywhere you go, for at least two months.

16. Read more Jake Grifter columns.

 

 




The Robot Butt Staff

Author: The Robot Butt Staff

We're the Robot Butt staff, hired right after the experiment of typewriting monkeys went horribly wrong.

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