NORTH POLE – Despite increased talk of a rebellion against Santa Claus amid rampant elves’ rights violations, Santa’s Workshop operated at its usual efficient pace this Christmas season due in part to more severe punishments for detractors.
“We found that the elves were no longer responding to what essentially equated to slaps on the wrist,” workshop spokesman Butter Tigglesworth said. “To ensure every child had the perfect Christmas, we had to implement much harsher measures.”
While taking away an elf’s candy cane rations for a night used to suffice in the past, it did little to stop a groundswell of support for a mutiny this year. Elves were still working nonstop, often chained to their workstations with no opportunity for rest. The workshop itself was a rancid environment with elf feces littering the red-and-green tiled floor. The deplorable working conditions gave rise to a vocal anti-Santa minority that slowly gained followers.
In response to the movement, Santa’s Workshop rooted out the dissenters and staged public licorice whippings in the village square. Some of the most unruly elves were found with their heads spiked upon the candy canes lining the bustling Gumdrop Alley or Mistletoe Lane. Others simply vanished into the surrounding Arctic wilderness and were never heard from again.
“My friend Gilbo was a major activist in the movement against Santa,” said an elf who wished to remain anonymous. “One day, he’s riling everyone up in the workshop. Next thing I know, I’m sewing what used to be his eyes into a new American Girl doll.”
Forbidden from seeing their families, and working under the fear that they could be taken away from them at any moment, the workshop was able to meet the demands of its busiest holiday season ever.
“This Christmas, when your child opens his or her gift, please, keep us in your thoughts,” said another elf who chose to remain anonymous. “Pray for us.”