SAN DIEGO – Citing the need for decency, realism and strict adherence to canon, local slash fiction author Brandon Accord is currently unsure of the correct number of Tribbles to include in his sex scene between Jean-Luc Picard and James T. Kirk.
“I’m really struggling with the math,” Accord said. “I was never good at exponents in school so their rapid growth in numbers is throwing me for a loop.”
Accord’s depicted scene features the two Starfleet captains, separated by centuries but pulled together for a rousing sex game by the omnipotent creature Q, rolling around the bridge of the Enterprise-D, lying on a bed made of live Tribbles.
“I think it’s better to start conservative,” Accord said. “As the scene goes on, I plan to have the captains suffocate in a mass of copulating Tribbles, but that means there can’t be too many in the first place. Need to leave some time for Picard and Kirk to romance one another. Eventually they’re going to succumb to the Tribbles, and die in each other’s embrace, but only when the story demands it.”
Accord’s friends and family say he has been obsessed with the Tribble equation for weeks now, rarely taking a break from his work.
“He’s up at nights, doesn’t sleep on the weekends,” Accord’s wife Lauren said. “When I go downstairs into the basement, I can hear him muttering to himself. The only word I can decipher is ‘Tribble,’ I hope he figures out whatever’s bothering him soon; I want my husband back.”