20 Predictions for ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

The anticipation for Star Wars: The Force Awakens has reached a fever pitch, aided by a brilliant marketing campaign that has refused to spoil some of the biggest moments of the movie.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t still guess as to what’s going to happen when this film is finally unleashed upon the public. Here are 20 predictions for what’s going to happen in The Force Awakens:

  • J.J. Abrams delivers on his promise to return incest to the plot of the new trilogy in a big way.
  • In a powerful scene, the Rebel Alliance realizes droids are basically slaves and everyone gets quiet for a few minutes.
  • George Lucas and J.J. Abrams engage in a surprise lightsaber dual, which ends up being about 55% of the entire film.
  • Lando Calrissian will make a surprise cameo, but it will be obscured by a lens flare and no one will catch it.
  • The Slave Leia outfit returns to…different results.
  • The movie begins with a 15-minute monologue of J.J. Abrams tearing down all your favorite fan theories.
  • The ghost of Obi-wan Kenobi finally tries some death sticks and admits he can see the appeal.
  • In a 45-minute after-credits tag, George Lucas is seen crying and apologizing for everything he’s done to Star Wars, but fans decry it as “too brief.”
  • Rumors that The Force Awakens is actually a police procedural drama set in space are confirmed to be true.
  • BB-8 is the only one to witness a sexual encounter between Chewbacca and Han Solo aboard the Falcon, but is unable to properly convey it to anyone.

BB-8 Peeking

  • LeVar Burton makes a cameo as Geordi LaForge, finally connecting the Star Wars and Star Trek universes.
  • It’s revealed that Ewoks are now extinct after Leia realized they were just damned good eatin’.
  • Snoop Dogg plays himself. It oddly works.
  • A whole lot of incomprehensible alien full-frontal nudity.
  • Leia finally gets to take that mercy mission.
  • The ghosts of Shmi Skywalker & Qui-Gon Jinn rekindle their secret romance.
  • C-3PO is revealed to be in a very satisfying sexual relationship with Admiral Akbar.
  • The Butthole Surfers doing the soundtrack for the entire movie baffles audiences.
  • Someone will have a very bad feeling about this.
  • Amy Poehler’s character learns you’re never too old to let go and embrace life while – wait…fuck, I’m in the wrong theater.

 

 




The Robot Butt Staff

Author: The Robot Butt Staff

We're the Robot Butt staff, hired right after the experiment of typewriting monkeys went horribly wrong.

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