White House Pardons Mall Santa in Annual Ceremony

Santa Pardon

WASHINGTON – With Christmas just over two weeks away, President Obama issued this year’s annual pardon to Philadelphia mall Santa Glenn Bauer.

“This is a special time for many Americans,” Obama said. “One of charity, goodwill and forgiveness. And if we can’t forgive Santa Claus, who can we forgive?”

The recipient of the pardon was selected from an extensive White House database of mall Santas with lengthy criminal records. Bauer’s past crimes include fraud, identity theft, breaking and entering, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment, lewd conduct with a minor and attempted arson.

President Obama said Bauer’s “wide variety of crimes” is what made him stand out from other candidates and deserve the annual pardon. “Sasha, Malia, just don’t sit on his lap,” he also added.

Upon receiving the pardon, Bauer promptly vomited on the first family and croaked out, “Party foul.”

This is President Obama’s seventh mall Santa ceremony, keeping alive a tradition that started when President Jimmy Carter pardoned his brother Billy in 1978 for urinating in a Popeye’s parking lot while wearing a Santa hat.

 

 




Robot Butt News Corp.

Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

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