ROCHESTER, N.Y. – Early this morning, the Elf on the Shelf was escorted out of a residence by police after being charged with 16 counts of lewd conduct involving the Bunt children Michael, 11, and Ellie, 7.
“It’s horrifying,” father Milton Bunt said. “I never in a million years would have thought someone staying in our house simply to spy on our children at all hours of the day and night could take such an awful turn.”
Ostensibly employed by Santa Claus to file reports on the behavior of children, the Elf on the Shelf has allegedly committed serious abuse of his position, using his access to the Bunt family to get his jollies. With his unblinking eyes and ability to get to the highest shelf or the smallest nook, the Elf was able to position himself to see everything, with privacy never being a concern.
More concerning is that this is not an isolated incident, but a continuing trend and scandal surrounding the elves serving Santa. After filing a Freedom of Information request, Robot Butt News Corp. was able to obtain reports revealing that complaints against 36 different elves were sent to the offices of Mr. Claus. More troubling is that the North Pole has been complicit in the elves’ actions by not reprimanding them in any way, instead shuffling them around to different homes without disclosing the prior grievances.
District Attorney Emma Kirkland is looking to prosecute not just the Elf on the Shelf, but Santa Claus himself for what she calls a “lack of vetting in the hiring process” that is “worse than Uber.”
Santa Claus, however, is standing by his hiring methods, saying his process of separating the naughty from the nice is “perfectly sufficient” and that he will continue to stand by his employee. When asked about his shielding of potential abusers, Mr. Claus merely laid his finger upon his nose and disappeared up the chimney.