Is There a River Monster Living Inside Adele?

Adele Singing

“IT IS THIS BIG AND IT HAS BURROWED INSIDE MY COLON.”

Adele’s newest album, 25, is a mega-success and fittingly so. But what’s most amazing about the album is that between all of the love ballads, all of the songs about having a broken heart, there is one track that stands out from the rest, one that appears to be some kind of real-life horror story Adele has had to endure for quite some time.

The song is “River Lea” and here is the first verse, along with the chorus:

When I was a child I grew up by the River Lea
There was something in the water, now that something’s in me
Oh I can’t go back, but the reeds are growing out of my fingertips
I can’t go back to the river

But it’s in my roots, in my veins
It’s in my blood and I stain every heart that I use to heal the pain
Oh, It’s in my roots, in my veins
It’s in my blood and I stain every heart that I use to heal the pain

So I blame it on the River Lea, the River Lea, the River Lea
Yeah I blame it on the River Lea, the River Lea, the River Lea

I think we know now why Adele is so elusive between the release of her albums. Based on these lyrics, it’s obvious that a river monster embedded itself inside Adele when she was a young girl and she has been fighting it ever since. It would also appear that this river monster has supernatural powers, as it is attempting to physically transform Adele into some sort of river creature as well, possibly to carry on the legacy of infecting and transforming little British children.

Considering that this mystical river curse has likely been around for centuries, I wouldn’t put the odds of Adele beating it very high. Hopefully she’s able to put out another album before she succumbs to the monster inside her, but we’ll know for sure that she’s near the end when 28 contains a tremendous radio-friendly ballad called “There is No Adele, Only the Eternal Curse of Hrztulu the River God.”




Steve DiMatteo

Author: Steve DiMatteo

Steve is an editor for Robot Butt. You can follow him on Twitter @steve_dimatteo.

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