Federal Government Releases Strategic Kohl’s Cash Reserves


WASHINGTON – In a move being decried by most economists, the Federal Reserve Bank released more than $2 trillion in strategic Kohl’s Cash reserves today to free up resources for those trying to get by this holiday season.

Would-be business owner Jessica Massy doesn’t understand the backlash. “I was able to trade in the Kohl’s Cash I had saved over the years for the keys to an old liquor store down the street,” Massy said. “It even came fully stocked! Without the Kohl’s Cash Act of 2015, a normal American like me couldn’t dream of something like this.”

Many economists are scratching their heads over the decision, including John Morgan, a professor of economics at UC Berkeley. “They’re practically begging for inflation!” Morgan said. “When I apply for a credit card – because I need some smart but stylish new ties at the only place with deals out the wazoo – I should not be given $300 in Kohl’s Cash. That’s 200 pairs of slacks! Slack prices are going to plummet, and then all the slack makers out there will have a fraction of the income they’re accustomed to!”

Much speculation has occurred regarding what this new move will do to other markets.

“We’re looking at another housing bubble, just like the one that burst so badly in 2008,” Morgan said. “Only this time, Kohl’s Cash is so strong on the market right now that people will be able to build and buy more expensive houses, making the readily apparent bust even worse.”



Robot Butt News Corp.

Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

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