SEATTLE – With no meaningful connections in town and lacking travel arrangements to fly home, 31-year-old Sean Karper has decided to spend Thanksgiving alone in his one-bedroom apartment this year, and he is 100 percent okay with that.
“It really worked out for the best,” Karper said after a deep sigh. “Andrea breaking up with me means I don’t have to spend the day listening to her parents argue about their vacation property while Steely Dan plays in the background. And since there are no flights left to get to Newport, I’ll end up saving money by not making the trip.”
Forgoing valuable time spent with loved ones, Karper has already located a House marathon that will be airing all day on the USA network.
“It’ll be great to spend the day with those crazy characters at Princeton-Plainsboro,” he said. “Really, it’s better than any actual human interaction.”
Rather than sitting around a crowded dinner table with family and friends, all reaching over each other and struggling to get the amount of food they want on their plates, Sean’s bountiful feast will be made for him, as he intends to purchase a Hungry Man turkey dinner.
“This is great,” Karper said. “I’ll end up eating less than I normally would, which is probably healthier anyway. Don’t want to pack on the holiday pounds!”
At press time, Karper was found staring off into space, lost in thought, his eyes glistening as they welled up with what witnesses reported to be tears.
“Delicious tears of gratitude and happiness,” he said.