19 Other Things Ben Carson Believes

Ben Carson has recently come under fire after a video surfaced of him declaring that the Egyptian pyramids were built by Joseph to store grain. And with more scrutiny being placed on the Republican frontrunner, we were able to uncover some more of his unconventional thoughts.

Here are 19 other things Ben Carson believes:

  • The Statue of Liberty was built by the Israelites to scare away Satan’s giant crows.
  • He only ingests food through his nose, believing his teeth have a higher purpose.
  • He believes that if he just speaks softly enough, America will trust that what he’s saying is reasonable.
  • Ben Carson believes he was accepted and given a full scholarship to medical school. In reality, he did not apply.
  • Carson believes the downstairs of all women resembles that of a chicken, with a single orifice for urination, defecation and childbirth.
  • After watching The Matrix, Ben Carson came to agree with the belief that there is no spoon and now eats chili by grabbing handfuls of it out of the bowl.
  • That Noah would have looked way cooler riding in a sweet powerboat.
  • That he can be America’s first black president.
  • Ben Carson believes that presidential candidates shouldn’t be over-vetted with irrelevant questions like, “Are you batshit crazy?”
  • After wrestling with his personal faith for many years, Ben Carson now believes it’s not butter.

Ben Carson Statue of Liberty

  • That he is related to Johnny Carson.
  • Ben Carson believes he can’t get a fair shake from the liberal “lame stream” media, which is out to make him look crazy. If everyone would just shut up and listen, he and his VP candidate Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, the guy from Ancient Aliens, will explain everything.
  • After his first poop during initial sentience, Carson decided he was leaking fuel and has yet to poop since.
  • Herman Cain makes the best pizza pie you’ll ever eat.
  • Ben Carson believes in the tooth fairy, and wants to stop the “dang commie” from redistributing more wealth.
  • Carson believes video games to be portals to other dimensions created by greedy space plumbers who want his golden coins.
  • Ben Carson believes in Santa Claus. He also believes Santa is trying to hijack Christmas and should be boycotted for attacking religious freedom.
  • Since seeing Independence Day, Ben Carson believes humans are controlled by tiny aliens in the head, and he spent the remainder of his neurosurgery career attempting to prove that – often on patients that required no brain surgery whatsoever.
  • That he can be president.

 

 




The Robot Butt Staff

Author: The Robot Butt Staff

We're the Robot Butt staff, hired right after the experiment of typewriting monkeys went horribly wrong.

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