WILMINGTON, N.C. – Local arachnid and all-around chilled-out guy Aaron Diadentus reportedly wants to just kick back and enjoy a cool wave, according to several residents of the house down the street with the giant porch.
“I’m just trying to groove on it, Daddy-o,” Diadentus said. “No need to rock the boat! Like they always say, ‘Don’t drink and drive – you might spill your drink!’”
Residents of the massively porched house aren’t convinced. “You’ll be sitting around, watching the grass grow, enjoying a beautiful fall evening out on the porch, and then out of nowhere, there’s Aaron…clinging…lingering…” said one resident, who wished to remain anonymous. “He’s not a bad guy, but all he wants to do is hang out. There’s more to life.”
“My wave!” Diadentus said as a car slowly rolled by the porch on which he lives. “You have to let people who are coming by know that you’re on that ‘other’ kick, if you know what I mean. Hazing through my days!”
Diadentus’ devil-may-care attitude has a few other residents upset over his lack of action.
“We let Aaron hang out to help keep away other pests,” said John Beatch, another resident of the house, who did not mind going on record. “Our thought was maybe the other clingers and fly-bys would see Aaron and just move on to the next house, but he just lets them coexist! A whole gigantic family of wasps now won’t leave, and we’re thinking of having to call the exterminator to evict them. I don’t want to be that guy.”
When asked for comment on the possible negative effects of his insouciant lifestyle, Diadentus said, “Some people might call me a cavalier. I call myself a citizen of earth. Peace and love, respect Gaia.”