WASHINGTON – That homeless man is definitely just sleeping and not dead, locals confirmed to themselves Thursday evening as they stepped over him. Dozens of patrons of the Cleveland Park CVS reported spotting the totally alive man outside the store, dozing peacefully, wrapped in what is likely an ironically distressed afghan from World Market.
“From the looks of it, he’s having an amazing life,” CVS assistant manager Omar Andews said. “With the CVS fliers and empty King Cobra bottles, I’m guessing he was just cruising the ads – buy one, get one half-off on Abreva, by the way – and getting a little faded before boarding the Dreamland Express.”
“Oh yeah, he looks fine,” said local resident Susan Berry, who reports the man, probably named like Rick or Al or something like that, has been sleeping in front of the CVS for days.
And what a snooze it’s been. Sonja Holmes, specialist at the George Washington University Center for Sleep Disorders, says she’s never seen a slumber quite like this. “While this man was fidgety in his first day of sleep, we’ve noticed he’s been remarkably still and peaceful for the last 15 to 18 hours,” Holmes said. “This likely means he’s been achieving new depths of REM sleep.”
“In layman lingo, sweet dreams, homeless guy.”