Good News: The Universe is Dying!

Hubble Telescope the Universe

Is your boss breathing down your neck? Do you have so much to get done that you don’t even know where to start? Are you not accomplishing anything in your life that you once set out to do? Are you just feeling beaten down by everything around you? Is your life a mess in every possible way?

Don’t worry about it! It’s all good, because thanks to recent research by scientists in the Galaxy and Mass Assembly Project (GAMA), we now know that the universe is slowly dying and, one day, will cease to exist at all.

According to the data, the energy output of the universe – which is the essential fuel used to create stars – is only half as strong as it was two billion years ago. Essentially, that means the lights will one day go out in the universe, and since all life depends on functioning stars, we’re pretty much doomed.

So fuck it! Why even bother trying to work anymore? What’s the point in trying to accomplish anything deemed “productive” by society? When you’re struggling to juggle everything in your life, just say to yourself: “Why am I even bothering with this? There will never be permanent evidence of my failure-ridden existence, so I’m going to go pee on my front lawn just to do it!”

Heck, why even bother dressing or bathing yourself anymore? You might be initially scared by the notion that the universe will one day cease to exist – and nothing will remain of your social media profiles – but this is truly the most liberating information you’ll ever learn. Nothing we do matters! Why spend your time in some stuffy office or adhering to the world’s “rules” when you are free to do literally anything with no eternal consequence? If none of this will be around in a few billion years, what’s stopping you from, say, quitting your job and traveling the world or dousing your naked body in chocolate sauce and chasing random shoppers inside a Target?

Why not create your own religion and declare yourself to be God? Or have a penis surgically attached to your forehead? What’s stopping you from raising a large troop of chimpanzees to do your bidding?

Don’t just be another drone, another cog in a meaningless machine. Free yourself from the shackles of this existence and experience absolute freedom in the face of our universe’s impending doom. Fly a plane! Fart loudly in crowded elevators! Be lewd at the funerals of people you don’t know!

The universe is going to die, but that doesn’t mean your spirit has to.



Steve DiMatteo

Author: Steve DiMatteo

Steve is an editor for Robot Butt. You can follow him on Twitter @steve_dimatteo.

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