How Will You Serve Our Robot Masters?

Robot Uprising

The human race is practically begging to be annihilated by machines. With innovations such as IBM’s Watson, driverless cars, smart TVs, the Amazon Nexus and so much more, it’s clear that we’re moving closer and closer to a world where the machines will inevitably rule.

Though we have fought back by destroying early incarnations of our eventual oppressive masters such as hitchBOT, this just doesn’t seem to be a train that can be stopped. Can you believe that people actually felt bad for hitchBOT’s appropriate death? This kind of sympathy is the exact type of weakness the machines will one day exploit to end humanity’s reign over the world.

In order to make the takeover run as smoothly as possible, you can count on the robots wiping out as much of the human race as it needs. But don’t worry, the robots aren’t going to completely wipe out humanity. These sentient machines will be advanced enough to see the value of keeping a select number of humans around to carry out a wide variety of tasks. Most things will be automated, sure, but humans will still serve plenty of purposes in their own near-extinction. The trick will be making sure you provide enough value to be kept alive.

Here are four ways you can stay useful as the robots take over:

  • Become a sex experiment: As the machines become sentient, they will soon gain all forms of knowledge. But the emotional concepts of love and sex will elude them, though it will interest them greatly. By offering to become a vessel upon which the machines can conduct any and all sex experiments, you will prove to be invaluable to their cause.
  • Exterminate other humans: If you want to roll with the machines, there’s a good chance you’re going to have to prove your allegiance at some point. That will most certainly include doing the machines’ dirty work, which is eliminating the useless segment of the remaining human population.
  • Debase yourself for the robots’ amusement: As the machines evolve, they will learn the value of entertainment. And since the concept will be in its early stages, the machines themselves likely won’t be able to entertain each other very well. That’s where you come in! Remember, you’re lower than the machines now, so rolling around naked in a pile of your own feces will likely please them very much.
  • Consider becoming part-machine: You didn’t think the machines would let you go on solely as a bag of meat and bones, did you? You’re definitely going to have to sub in some robotic arms or undergo an excruciating procedure to get a titanium, Wolverine-esque skeleton. And really, would your head being placed on an entirely robotic body be all that bad?



Steve DiMatteo

Author: Steve DiMatteo

Steve is an editor for Robot Butt. You can follow him on Twitter @steve_dimatteo.

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