U.S. markets soared this morning, bolstered mostly by impressive gains in the National Tragedy sector. Outperforming even the most optimistic analyst predictions, the stunning growth in the industry seems to stem from the steady increase of tragedies that have befallen the country over the past few years.
“The rate of these heartbreaking events has been on an upward trajectory for the past 22 months,” said economist Joyce Denison. “Every other day now we have a new terrible story unfolding and being added to our nation’s output. It really is the driving force of our country.”
The domestic production of misery has been greatly aided by a sharp increase in school shootings, culminating with a recent surge brought on by the shootings at both North Arizona University and Texas Southern University.
“We are doubling our ability to generate horrific acts against our fellow man,” Denison continued. “This kind of output would have been unthinkable decades ago, but with technological advances and strong American determination, we have achieved something remarkable.”
Some economists warn that the economy is currently in the midst of a tragedy bubble and that we will not be able to sustain this trend of increasingly unthinkable acts of malice. But this skepticism does not sway optimists like Denison. According to her, U.S. citizens represent a bountiful and renewable source of awful, shocking and tragic ideas, which should allow for a sustained growth that may dwarf recent spikes.
“We’re about due for another high-profile serial killer,” Denison said. “Something really brutal. If that happens, we can expect at least a year of positive growth in misery.”