October is finally here and we should rejoice, because this is by far the best month of the year. It’s really no contest whatsoever, either; the other 11 sad-sack months aren’t even fit to sniff October’s jock strap. If you feel otherwise, just know that you’re wrong, and you’ll always be wrong.
October deserves our eternal praise for many reasons:
- The NFL season is in full swing by this point, which means it’s much easier to determine the shittiest teams in the league and avoid torturing yourself by accidentally watching most of an awful game on a fall Sunday. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been duped into watching a Jets-Dolphins game in September, only to realize that it’s 12-6 going into the fourth quarter. September football games should really be avoided at all costs.
- The NFL also pinkwashes itself for the month of October to “promote breast cancer awareness” and raise money to fight the disease, though it’s been proven multiple times that the money just doesn’t add up to that end. Can you believe that manufacturers and other non-cancer-research-related companies are actually the ones profiting from this campaign?! October is such a great time to remind yourself that the NFL really does not, in fact, care one bit about women.
- The colors, my God, THE COLORS.
- Pumpkins. And pumpkin carving. And doing…other things with pumpkins. And if your friend or family member is out there talking trash about pumpkin beers or pumpkin lattes or pumpkin scones or pumpkin bread or pumpkin liqueur or pumpkin-flavored chocolates or pumpkin spice butter spread or pumpkin popcorn or pumpkin spice coconut milk or pumpkin yogurt or pumpkin cheesecake ice cream or pumpkin spice cookies or pumpkin cereal or pumpkin hummus or pumpkin M&Ms or pumpkin marshmallows or pumpkin tea or pumpkin spice oatmeal or pumpkin bagels or pumpkin applesauce or pumpkin spice almonds or pumpkin spice cupcakes or pumpkin spice peanut butter spread or pumpkin pie Pop-Tarts, just know that he/she is worthless and will never amount to anything. And if you are one of those people who talks trash about pumpkin products, just know that you are worthless and you will never amount to anything.
- Not only do we have football, but the NBA and NHL are back in our lives, too. Oh yeah, and it’s time for the baseball postseason, which, when you have a horse in the race, is the most gut-wrenching, nerve-wracking, sweat-inducing, excited-feeling-in-the-pit-of-your-stomach-thing to watch. It’ll take years off your life and you’ll always come back begging for more.
- If you can’t get down with Halloween, you’re beyond saving. You’ll be left behind when the rest of us get called up to heaven, because I can guarantee that God is cool with Halloween. The movies. The costumes. The candy. The month of themed fun. Nothing is better than the build-up to Halloween, and when the holiday itself falls on a weekend, you know you’ve hit the jackpot, because you can freely marathon horror movies until your eyes bleed. I’ll just come out and say it: Halloween is the best holiday.
- Good, Oscar-caliber movies are back! Every year, Hollywood tries to convince us that August and September are part of both the summer movie season and the more prestigious season of higher-quality films. In reality, those two months combine to form one of the most egregious dumping grounds for the industry, and it lasts so long you begin to wonder if the Oscars will be so bare that The Fantastic Four will have to be nominated for Best Picture.
- Shorts are not a good look for a man. They either make you look like a frat bro or a 14-year-old (or an old man trying to look 14 years old). While necessary, there is just no way to wear shorts while maintaining your self-respect. And pants in the summer are a sweaty disaster waiting to happen. Fall allows you to diversify your look and, most importantly, welcome all pants back into the rotation.
If you don’t agree with everything I’m saying here, I will come to where you are and physically fight you over it.