9 Fall Centerpieces That Will Make Your Mother Uncomfortable

 “Oh, no…oh, dear. Let's maybe try to cover up this bulge with some raffia ribbon."

1. “Oh, no…oh, dear. Let’s maybe try to cover up this bulge with some raffia ribbon.”

 

“Why am I wearing gloves to set the table? Because the pumpkin you brought home has Ebola, Todd.”

2.”Why am I wearing gloves, Todd? Because that pumpkin looks like it needs a Valtrex, that’s why.”

 

 “There’s nothing WRONG with them. I never said that. It just wasn’t what I was expecting you to bring home.”

3. “There’s nothing WRONG with them. I never said that. It just wasn’t what I was expecting you to bring home.”

 

 “No, Todd, I don’t think it would be funny to write “gourdy hole” under it. Now get ready for church.”

4. “No, Todd, I don’t think it would be funny to write “gourdy hole” under it. Now get ready for church.”

 “Stop caressing the centerpiece, Todd. Heavenly Father, forgive Todd, amen.”

5. “Stop caressing the centerpiece, Todd. Heavenly Father, forgive Todd, amen.”

 

 “Hurry up and help me fix this arrangement before my book club gets here. We’re reading Eat Pray Love, not 50 Shades of Grey.”

6. “Hurry up and help me fix this arrangement before my book club gets here. We’re reading Eat, Pray, Love, not 50 Shades of Grey.”

 

“Change it, Todd Alan. Now. Because it looks like a scene from Caligula, that’s why.”

7. “Change it, Todd Alan. Now. Because it looks like a scene from Caligula, that’s why.”

 

 (Glances inside box, crosses herself, hurries away)

8. (Glances inside box, crosses herself, hurries away)

 

“Is autumn just one big joke to you? Because it’s not to me!" Quietly, tearfully fumes while doing the dishes. Then, "I’m going to JoAnn Fabrics, I’ll be back in an hour.”

9. “Is autumn just one big joke to you? Because it’s not to me!” (Quietly, tearfully fumes while doing the dishes) “I’m going to JoAnn Fabrics, I’ll be back in an hour.”

 

 




Brooke Preston

Author: Brooke Preston

Brooke Preston is a writer and performer of comedy. She borrowed your flat iron and forgot to return it. She is sorry. Follow Brooke on Twitter @bigu.

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