Drowning in Student Loan Debt? We Have the Solution!

Poop Wallet

We all feel the life-altering, spirit-crushing burden of student loan debt, unless you’re one of the smart ones and said “Eff that” when presented with the idea of attending school for a number of years to obtain a degree that may or may not help you in the future career you’re not sure you want (I wish I was you).

So, as a part of Back to School Week, we’ve found two ways to generate extra income (well, two if you happen to be male). These might not be glamorous, but they’ll ensure that the debt collectors stop calling your house. You’ll be able to sleep soundly knowing that a portion of your monthly wage isn’t going to whatever new organization bought your federal student loans.

1) Sell Your Poop

According to this Washington Post article, you can earn $13,000 a year selling your poop! You’ll go through an organization called OpenBiome, which distributes feces all across the country.

Think about it. With an extra thirteen large in your pocket, you could put $1,083 a month towards student loans and not even see a difference in your bank account (pre-tax totals, of course).

2) Lop Off a Testicle

If you’re like me, you attended a decent, middle-tier, in-state liberal arts college to save some money. But also, if you’re like me, that still means you accrued more than $20,000 in student loans.

Don’t have the cheddar to fight off that debt? Who does? Good news if you happen to have been born with a wang and some balls between your legs! You can snip off one of those berries for $35,000, just like Mark Parisi of Las Vegas.

I could be debt-free for all that money, but I’m waiting until the debt really catches up to me before donating one of my boys to science. My bet is it will be gone within the next three years or so.

These two stories alone prove that the American dream is alive and well. Anyone can go from filthy debtor to barely making it just by selling a little bit of themselves! Now, go forward and give yourself to the warm embrace of corporations. They’ll hold you and help to ease your struggles.

 

 




B. Joseph Jackson

Author: B. Joseph Jackson

Professional Goober. Receive unwanted tweets from him @bripbrop.

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