A brand-new school year is here, and you don’t want it to get off to a bad start. Of course, there’s nothing tougher than that first week back, but don’t worry! We’ve made it easier for you. Simply follow these 16 essential tips and you’re sure to survive your first week of school:
1. Start a fight with the biggest professor at your college to show dominance.
2. Remember, no one wants to peak in high school, so make a point to be the biggest loser that nobody likes to ensure your future success.
3. Colleges really want to see that you play by your own rules. Never join any extracurriculars and never volunteer for anything.
4. Make sure to get a tattoo the day you turn eighteen, as your tastes definitely won’t change.
5. Calling your female teacher “Mom” is so 2000. Call her “Grandma” instead.
6. Definitely rush a fraternity/sorority.
7. Kindergarten shouldn’t be the only time you can get away with dropping your pants in the middle of class. Go for it!
8. Women work mostly on pheromones. Douse yourself in an appealing scent and they won’t be able to resist your charms.
9. If you’re going to throw rocks at recess, be sure to cover them in mud first so the other kids won’t see it coming.
10. Make sure you hang up that poster of Bluto from Animal House in your dorm room so everyone knows about your undying willingness to party.
11. Rhymes help: if you want to pass, just go to class. Or, don’t be a fool, stay in school. Or, leave the books on the shelf and play with yourself.
12. Remember that for grad school, fall brings the annual Blood-Culling, where faculty sacrifices last year’s unworthy souls to Glortant, Dark Hellbeast of Academia.
13. You’re the first person to truly understand what Bob Marley is talking about. Spread the word.
14. Over 90% of people meet their future spouse in high school, so make sure to take your relationships seriously.
15. Just keep your eyes on the prize at all times. Once you get that degree, all of your troubles will go away!
16. Only one person from your 6th grade class will survive to graduate high school. Will it be you?