SEATTLE – An out-of-office email message recently extracted from the depths of a Microsoft Outlook account revealed the once-flourishing social calendar and zest for life of an ancient office worker.
“This find represents a unique glimpse into the life of the average mid-tier office worker at the turn of the century,” said anthropologist James Williams about the long-forgotten message, originally dated March 13, 2003.
“Hey Team,” the message reads. “I’ll be out of the office on Jim’s bachelor party ’til next Tuesday, then it’s straight to the department happy hour! If you need anything right away, you can email Sue. Thanks! – Zack”
“These antiquated records are more rare than you might think,” explained Williams. “This early out-of-office email is really quite a find. For Zack, pairing this early email with his other sad-sack messages in his account, we have been able to pinpoint exactly when his job sucked all the fun and enthusiasm out of his existence.”
A later message, dated June 25, 2004, simply reads: “I will be out of the office until Wednesday.”
Researchers are hesitant to propose an explanation for what exactly led to the thorough destruction of Zack’s jovial nature following March 2003, but a pitiful-looking resume found in his Sent folder along with evidence of him missing out on numerous promotions have led researchers to believe that his relish for life may have slowly been ground out of him over the course of many years. Other theories, however, point to catastrophic outside events like marriage or even the birth of a child.