SPOKANE, Wash. – Local environmental activist and Bigfoot hunter Charles “Chaz” Heckney is facing three counts of aggravated assault after a fight over his son’s Little League baseball game ended with Heckney brutally injuring three of the other baseball players’ fathers last Tuesday.
“His son was called out on a close play, and Chaz didn’t like the call, so he just went ballistic,” said one concerned parent who was at the game during the alleged beating. “One guy tried to intervene when Chaz was losing it on the umpire – he lost several teeth.”
Heckney, out of jail now on bond, couldn’t be happier to have discovered the animal inside of himself.
“I just snapped,” he said. “Those guys didn’t stand a chance. I don’t even feel remorse. It’s great!”
For the past twenty years, Heckney has chased the elusive Sasquatch throughout Washington state. After all that time, Heckney hadn’t found the monster he was so desperately looking for.
“You know they say that sometimes the easiest answer is the best answer,” he said. “I’ve sunk thousands of hours of my life into hunting the Skunk Apes that hide in our forest, looking for answers to some of life’s biggest questions. Ever since I spread the blood of those other fathers all over the field – and liked it – I know now that I should have just looked within to find what I most desire.”
Heckney’s the trial date hasn’t been set yet, though he isn’t worried about the possibility of extended prison time.
“I’m thinking about pleading guilty and asking for some years in the slammer” he said. “I’d really like to have that alone time, so I can finally study the monster. Get in my own head a little and tool around.”