SCOTLAND – The Loch Ness Monster, noted cryptid, died today at the age of 1,465 after overdosing on barbiturates. The Monster, often the target of crazed fans and paparazzi, had long struggled with addiction, as depicted on season three of Celebrity Rehab. After ballooning to nearly three tons and going through a strange, Chris Gaines period in the ’90s, the Monster had recently attempted to get sober. Tragically, these efforts were in vain. The Monster leaves behind three hatchlings, seven gift shops full of cheap Scottish trinkets and fourteen rotting logs which, if you look just right, might also be monsters.