FIFA’s in Trouble Because Some Soccer Stuff Happened

Mr. Fifa and the Money Boys

On Tuesday, the entire roundtable of the most powerful soccer super-lords, called “FIFA” amongst themselves, were asked to return to the United States to face charges that their sport makes too much money or something.

The whole thing seems like a real hullabaloo and would be better if it could just make some kind of sense.

Seven to nine official ball-holders (right?) for soccer were rounded up in total from Zurich, where soccer may have been born several thousand years ago. I’m guessing this happens every few years or so as all of the soccer warlords vie for power and ultimately decide who gets to hold the next match (Are they called matches or games?). Either way, the most powerful warlord, Sepp Blatter, appears to also be under some kind of scrutiny, and it is not about his name being phonetically similar to a body part.

Officials are also being charged with accepting bribes during bidding for hosting the World Cup. Maybe? The NBA Finals are about to happen so I’m a bit distracted. Did you see that performance by LeBron!? Also, baseball!

Department of Justice officials, supported by Attorney General and former country music megastar Loretta Lynch, the 83rd person to hold the post, have indicted 14 individuals in total, and will soon be turning their gaze to soccer fans. They are calling the forthcoming action “Operation: Cockroach,” because, as Lynch says, “the biggest cockroaches make the loudest squish, but you have to kill the children to get rid of the infestation.”

Time will tell if the DoJ goes after cricket or rugby next, as Lynch decides if she wants to remove, in her words, “all scourges and blight from the Earth.”



B. Joseph Jackson

Author: B. Joseph Jackson

Professional Goober. Receive unwanted tweets from him @bripbrop.

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