The Boy Scouts’ War on Water Guns

Water Gun

This is my water gun. There are many like it, but this one is mine. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

At first, when I read that the Boy Scouts of America were banning water gun fights, I thought, “HO BOY, YOUTH IS DEAD, HOW DID SOCIETY FALL SO FAR? WHERE IS MY SOAPBOX?”

And normally, after seeing an explanation that saw value in banning water gun fights because they weren’t “kind,” I would have run naked in the streets like a ranting and raving lunatic. All in all, a typical Thursday. But instead, I put my shirt back on this time, stepped down from my desk and composed myself. I calmed down and convinced myself not to worry. While the Boy Scouts of America are just covering their hides against the wrath of the worst types of parents, I remembered that it really didn’t matter what the organization decreed. I was comforted by the realization that there is but one absolute truth in this world: boys will do the exact thing they are told not to do.

So if anything, water gun fights among Boy Scouts are actually about to reach their apex.

I feel for the poor doofus who is going to wrangle up a group of Boy Scouts on a hot summer day, give all of them water guns and tell them to politely shoot the water guns – these righteous tools of destruction – at lame-ass targets that aren’t even in the shape of other humans. No matter how much the rule is desperately enforced, there will always be one hero kid who sees the immense stupidity of shooting water guns at targets and turns the water gun on the kid next to him, blasting him in the face and accepting that there is no turning back at that point (also, can you imagine trying to put together an event where kids are shooting paintball guns only at targets?).

More incredulous might be the rule that water balloons are to now be filled only to the size of ping pong balls. Any kid who follows that rule will grow up to be a giant turd, that much is certain. Effectively identifying the future wieners of America aside, anybody in this world who knows even a little bit about being cool knows that you fill a water balloon right to its breaking point before unleashing its wrath.

But I’m not worried about that, either, because I have faith that all current and future Boy Scouts will do the right thing by ignoring every single one of these rules. It’s the honorable and smart thing to do, and there should really be a badge for going above and beyond to honor these pillars of the organization.



Steve DiMatteo

Author: Steve DiMatteo

Steve is an editor for Robot Butt. You can follow him on Twitter @steve_dimatteo.

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