ATLANTA, Ga. – Warning of an impending public health crisis, the CDC stated today that the nation’s grade schools are dangerously unprepared for a new strain of cooties, or cootilciosis acroalgia.
“Make no mistake about it, this is the worst strain of cooties we’ve seen in nearly seventy years. And I’m talking boy and girl cooties,” CDC Director Tomas Frieden said.
According to the agency, this new virulent cooties strain makes subjects “super gross and smelly,” giving them “fart breath” and “snot faces.” Prolonged exposure to the virus can make subjects listless, rendering them incapacitated for games of Tag or Red Rover.
Director Frieden stressed that resources at nationwide grade schools are severely lacking and despite CDC urgings, male and female students are still being permitted to intermingle.
“There was a time when a vaccine could be administered with a simple ‘Circle, circle, dot, dot’ injection,” Frieden said. “But that time has passed. The only effective way of preventing a mass outbreak now is forced gender segregation.”
While the director is hopeful that such dramatic actions will only be temporary, he cautioned that going forward humanity may have to phase out either boys or girls.