Spring Ain’t the Only Thing That’s Sprung

Spring Love Allergies

Ah, spring. The season of love. The birds and bees are at it again, and judging by my mailbox, you readers are too! Unfortunately, I just don’t have time to answer every question from all of you anxious lovers out there. If I tried to answer all of the heated, passionate questions my readers send to me each week, I wouldn’t have time to practice any of my moves! I love getting fan mail, but I’m pretty sure Mrs. Grifter loves her Mr. Grifter time a little more.

Jake Grifter, Sex Tipster

Jake Grifter, Sex Tipster

But every now and then so many of you have the same question that I’d be remiss and less than my genuine self if I didn’t answer it. And it seems like just about all of you have had the same burning – dare I say, itching – question on your mind this pollen season.

Letter after letter, email after email. Some guy even tried faxing me on my home line! Guy! It’s a phone line, not a fax.

So, here is the question, just how it was handed down to me:

How do I do really good sex outside in the spring when I have allergies?

This is the question that I was born to answer. You all want to know how to fuck good in public with itchy, scratchy eyes and a runny nose?

Simple answer: When outside, just keep your eyes and mouth closed and put a clothespin over your nose. You’ll need to move quickly, because you’ll have a hard time performing for long without oxygen. But, as they say in France, “en retenant votre souffle est sexy.”

Also, make sure that you and your partner truly trust each other, because with your eyes closed, you could start making love to anyone! Of course, for some, that could be half the fun!

Bonus points: If you both have allergies, just don’t go outside! The lack of sunlight can be an aphrodisiac.

So there you have it. Now, I need to give Mrs. Grifter her long overdue Mr. Grifter time. And guess what? She has some nasty allergies.



Jake Grifter

Author: Jake Grifter

I'm Robot Butt's official sex columnist. I've had sex before - now let me tell you about it.

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