I Don’t Trust Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks Bad Guy

There’s something not right about Tom Hanks. Something that makes me think I wouldn’t want to leave a loved one alone around him. If I were to meet him, I would definitely shake his hand and tell him that Forrest Gump is one of my all-time favorite movies, but I’d definitely give him a sideways glance while doing so (just to let him know that I’m on to him).

He’s just too likable! The guy has the Midas touch for awesome moments. Everywhere he goes, he leaves a wake of people saying to themselves or their friends, “Wow, that was Tom Hanks! What a cool guy!” Those of us with a more discerning eye know that there has to be more to Mr. Hanks than just that charm and genuine “everyman” appeal.

I’m saying that Tom Hanks is the Woody from the beginning of Toy Story, not the Woody that learned he doesn’t need to be on top to enjoy his friends and life, like at the end of that first movie.

Look, the wholesome, lovable types of the world have burned us before. Real “wolf in sheep’s clothing” kind of guys. If Dr. Huxtable can show his true colors, who’s next?

Let’s just examine a little of the evidence:

He signs every tweet with “Hanx.”

While that is ultimately a very clever and modern way to write “Hanks,” it is just a little suspicious. Not only is the letter “x” the most brazen member of the alphabet, it suggests that he might not have time to fully spell out his own name. Why does he need that extra time?! What could he be planning?! Always be weary of a millionaire with a lot of time on his hands.

Of course, it could be his supervillain name.

He won’t play a bad guy.

Tom Hanks as a Sith Lord

Artist’s Rendering

What’s the problem, Mr. Hanks? Feel that maybe if you let yourself go there in your acting career, you might find it a little hard to turn off?

He would make a great bad guy. He’s so charming and likable, just like the best baddies. It’s a shame that such a talent will go to waste, just because a certain actor can’t bring himself back from the dark side once he goes there.

“Once a Sith, always a Sith.”

He’s slowing achieving world dominance.

He can act. He can sing. He can dance. He can pretty much entertain in every possible way. So why the heck is he moving into the app world?

Mr. Hanks isn’t hurting for money, power or fame, so why in the heck is he diversifying? Don’t you control enough of the U.S. culture? Do you really need to control our economy too? His app, Hanx Writer, may be free to download, but there are always the in-app purchases. With that signature Hanks charm, you’re sure to buy them all, helping to complete his world dominance. Next thing, he’ll brew his own beer or something.

So there you have it. This is, what I feel, very compelling evidence to doubt that Mr. Hanks doesn’t have an evil side, or to at least believe he is running a long con. What are you hiding behind that handsome, charming, hilarious, talented exterior?

Just know that I’m on to you.



B. Joseph Jackson

Author: B. Joseph Jackson

Professional Goober. Receive unwanted tweets from him @bripbrop.

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