Grade Schools Unprepared for New Strain of Cooties, CDC Warns
Apr30

Grade Schools Unprepared for New Strain of Cooties, CDC Warns

ATLANTA, Ga. – Warning of an impending public health crisis, the CDC stated today that the nation’s grade schools are dangerously unprepared for a new strain of cooties, or cootilciosis acroalgia. “Make no mistake about it, this is the worst strain of cooties we’ve seen in nearly seventy years. And I’m talking boy and girl cooties,” CDC Director Tomas Frieden said. According to the agency, this new virulent cooties strain makes...

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How to Properly Give Your Opinion on the Riots in Baltimore
Apr29

How to Properly Give Your Opinion on the Riots in Baltimore

Things have really gotten out of hand in Baltimore, haven’t they? With some protests having turned into violent riots over the controversial death of 25-year-old Freddie Gray, you surely have an opinion on what’s going on, and people need to know what it is! That being said, it’s important to write the perfect social media response in a sensitive situation like this. To help, I’ve outlined six ways in which you...

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Excellent Rap Lyrics, Volume XI: O.T. Genasis is Mad at His Mama
Apr28

Excellent Rap Lyrics, Volume XI: O.T. Genasis is Mad at His Mama

O.T. Genasis isn’t going to let anyone get between him and his successful cocaine-selling operation, not even his dear mother. He makes that abundantly clear in his song “The Flyest”: “First time I seen coke My mama caught me in the kitchen (oh shit) I’m thinkin’ like, “What you lookin’ at, mama?” I’m tryna get me a chicken, damn”  Something tells me O.T. Genasis’...

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Humanity Continues to Debase Itself as ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’ Makes Another $15.5 Million
Apr28

Humanity Continues to Debase Itself as ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’ Makes Another $15.5 Million

“The beast that thou sawest was, and is not; and shall ascend out of the bottomless pit, and go into perdition: and they that dwell on the earth shall wonder, whose names were not written in the book of life from the foundation of the world, when they behold the beast that was, and is not, and yet is.” – Revelation 17:8 I’ve already come to the conclusion that humanity is not long for this Earth, evidenced by...

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Gengar Will Be in ‘Pokkén Tournament,’ Which is Bullshit
Apr27

Gengar Will Be in ‘Pokkén Tournament,’ Which is Bullshit

A few months ago, I got all worked up about a Pokémon fighting game that would be hitting arcades in Japan, and only Japan, this year because I am being punished for all of my past sins. Well, over the weekend we got some more news on that front, as a trailer for the ghost Pokémon Gengar as a playable character showed up online. My initial reaction was: AWESOME THIS JUST GOT EVEN BETTER AND HOLY SHIT DID HE JUST MEGA EVOLVE HE DID...

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