PLANO, Tx – The Illuminati, a secret society that has incredible influence over all of the world’s affairs, have announced that they will be meeting this year’s slob quota through a partnership with Doritos and their Jacked 3D Jalapeno Pepper Jack tortilla chips. When not pulling the strings on global conflict or controlling the weather, the Illuminati are intent on maintaining a diverse membership that features people from all walks of life, including the largest slobs on the planet. From college students and hopeless men over 30 to gamers who appear to embrace getting Doritos dust on their controllers, the Illuminati feels their campaign of subliminal messaging will pay off big.
“We are so excited about this partnership,” said [name redacted] of the Illumanati, “The engineers at the Doritos plant have done an exceptional job blending our ancient symbols with the modern world. From the Egyptian pyramids to the pyramid over the entrance to the Louvre, to the pyramid on the back of U.S. dollar bills, the shape has long had a special meaning for us, and we can’t wait to see this symbol in the hands of slobs across the world, as they spread our message and unrelenting power.”