BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – Researchers at the Kinsey Institute today confirmed the initial findings of thousands of bumper stickers, definitively stating that yes, everyone is a little bit Irish.
According to the report, every DNA sample tested during the landmark two-decade study determined conclusively that the world’s population showed traces of Irish heritage regardless of national, ethnic or racial boundaries.
“I think it’s just from a lot of fucking,” said one appalled scientist. “I mean, they must have just fucked everybody.”
History seems to confirm such claims. According to surviving documents, the Celts were known to be “strong of seed” and went by many nicknames, including “child-makers” and “horne-dogs.”
In a more modern context, 1827’s “Copulate With An Irishman Day” began as something of a novelty fad in America similar to the hula hoop craze of the 1950’s, with ladies lifting their petticoats in public for any red-headed man who passed by and venturing to bars and churches yelling out “O’Leary?” The fad was so popular it became an annual tradition until it died out in the 1890’s, though remnants of the craze can still be seen in the popular “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” T-shirts today.
Pressed for further details about the study, lead researcher David Boley said he viewed “the Irish gene” much like mitochondrial DNA. “Irishness has been a part of humanity for eons. It’s not going anywhere.”