What Happened to You, Cookie Monster?

Cookie Monster Oranges

It smacked me right in the face as I entered the grocery store, like I walked square into an invisible wall. Greeting all shoppers was a large display of oranges, nothing that would typically seem out of the ordinary. But it was the heinous use of its pitchman, his face plastered on every bag, that made me lose consciousness for a moment.

My God, Cookie Monster, what have they done to you?

There he was, as plain as day, completely dissociating himself from the only thing he ever loved. I thought back to a few years ago, when Cookie Monster shamefully declared in various national settings that cookies were “a sometime snack,” which was an egregious display of bullshit and pandering in its own right. His attempt to backtrack on his love of cookies was sad and more than just a little pitiful. But this felt different. It was as if this continued open humiliation for the world to see was to make a cruel example out of Cookie Monster. The message now is that cookies are no longer even a sometimes snack.

There is just no way he started pushing fruits and vegetables because he one day woke up and realized that his entire life to that point was utterly pointless. There is something far more devious at play here, and I have to suspect he is under some sort of intense pressure to do this. Is his family in danger? Who does he owe? Was there a lobotomy at any point?

After all, he’s the Cookie Monster, man! For young and impressionable toddlers watching Sesame Street, Cookie Monster is the first symbol of fighting against the establishment, standing up for what you believe in and enjoying the spoils of hard work. And no one in this world ever worked harder for what he wanted than Cookie Monster. While Sesame Street focuses mostly on basic teachings – your ABC’s, 123’s and whatnot – Cookie Monster conveyed a deeper message through the expression of a sole purpose, which was to slam as many cookies down his gullet as possible. He was capitalism at its finest. He was unadulterated freedom. He was the purest form of himself. And now, he’s just another proponent of the terrifyingly powerful fruit and vegetable lobby. What happened to the voice of cookies? Who is there to stand up for them?

We’re really supposed to just accept that Cookie Monster has had a sudden change of heart and is ready to peddle healthy food, the very thing he spent his life abhorring?

Fuck that, I refuse to believe it. I don’t know what happened that resulted in him going against everything he stands for, but the cookie world has seemingly lost its biggest and brightest champion and no one seems to give a damn. Cookie Monster once meant something to so many people, and he always stuck to his convictions, and for that he had my respect. He once had a purpose, something he loved, and I hope he can find it again because without him, I fear for the future of all cookies – and children – around the world.

You want cookie, Cookie Monster. You…you eat cookie.


Steve DiMatteo

Author: Steve DiMatteo

Steve is an editor for Robot Butt. You can follow him on Twitter @steve_dimatteo.

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