DAVENPORT, Iowa – Richard Garrison had plenty of work to do on a recent Thursday afternoon. After all, he was aiming for a promotion at his United Bank of Iowa branch and it was important to stay ahead of the game.
But something was going on deep within Garrison’s mind, something that would consume his thoughts well into the night and the foreseeable future.
After a quick lunch break, which consisted of a burrito from the Mexican establishment down the street from the bank, Garrison defecated nearly two hours later, producing an unbroken turd that seemingly defied the laws of physics.
“I kept expecting it to break, and I was sure it had many times,” Garrison said. “It just didn’t feel possible for one strand of poop to circle that many times around the bowl unbroken.”
Garrison gazed in bewilderment and complete wonder as he rose from the toilet seat to inspect the work he had done. Long strands of poop are not an unknown entity, but the mind-boggling amount of perfectly preserved poop he produced now has Garrison questioning everything he has ever known.
“What keeps me up at night is the way in which it rested in the toilet bowl,” Garrison said. “It looked as if it was so carefully laid around the porcelain, each new layer of the strand perfectly resting on top of the others.”
Garrison remains especially haunted by the final end of the strand he produced. After thirty minutes of baffled inspection, Garrison was sure that the final tip, which twisted and wrapped so artfully up to the sky like the Tower of Babel fully realized in all of its glory, somehow – some way – managed to have hieroglyphics etched into it, with what certainly appeared to be a minuscule replica of Michelangelo’s statue of David capping it off.
“I’ve been reading a lot about the concept of eternal return and time as a cyclical concept,” Garrison said. “I’m beginning to think my own butthole has become some sort of portal to a smaller recurring universe and something out there is trying to communicate with me.”
Garrison has been unable to use the bathroom since his experience, and a number of coworkers have noticed the man’s changed appearance in the two weeks since, from his profuse sweating and dark, heavy circles under his eyes to a noticeable change in his weight. Others have caught him muttering to himself throughout the day, drawing perfect maps of constellations with his eyes closed.
“I know the promotion is now well out of reach, and my job at the bank is certainly in jeopardy,” Garrison said. “But I’ve found a higher purpose in life.”