SEATTLE, Wash. – For the seventh year in a row, Netflix will be spending Valentine’s Day with Todd Lucas as he stays in his tiny one-bedroom apartment and does nothing yet again.
“It’s literally all I ever do with him,” Netflix complained. “Just have a bunch of movies or TV shows play in endless succession.”
Netflix had hoped that to celebrate the special day, Todd might make some kind of effort instead of loafing around the apartment, which he has been doing more and more frequently. Perhaps cook dinner instead of ordering out again, or at the very least wear something other than greasy sweatpants.
“It’s like he’s just given up,” Netflix said.
At the beginning of their relationship, Netflix didn’t mind all the time Todd spent streaming entertainment. “It was a little endearing how he would just plow through an entire season of Extreme Cheapskates in one day.”
However, as more and time went by, Netflix began to feel that Todd just wasn’t a very exciting person. “When you’ve watched the same Ken Burns documentary three times, I’m sorry, there just isn’t much happening.”
Netflix has tried to be encouraging, and has started recommending various romantic comedies. But these hints have made the situation worse, as with each recommendation Todd just becomes more withdrawn and lethargic.
In the end, though, Netflix can’t fathom actually abandoning Todd. “He really is a nice guy. And he’s about to finish a complete viewing of Frasier for the tenth time. I can’t take that away from him.”
We reached out to Todd for comment about the upcoming Valentine’s Day plans, but his only response was a look of anguished self-reflection.