We all know that the NBA’s slam dunk contest sucks now. And the only people who watch the actual All-Star Game are some really sick puppies, likely capable of some pretty terrifying and heinous things.
But there are definitely good parts to the NBA’s All-Star weekend! The three-point contest is cool and the skills competition is pretty enjoyable. The problem is just that there are so many ways the weekend could be better, and no one’s doing anything to fix it.
If I was running the league, though, I’d add these essential events immediately (while disposing of the All-Star Game itself, obviously):
- A game that pits the five tallest players in the league against the five shortest players in the league.
- I think it would be great if the NBA let fans challenge players to games in front of a sellout crowd on national television. How great would it be to watch jerks who think they own their weekend leagues get posterized by LeBron James?
- Turn the entire court into a SlamBall arena (Quick note on that linked video: Since when does Gus Johnson announce SlamBall games?).
- Lock the doors to the arena and let the mascots run the entire show. Sure, it’ll start as a fun little mascot game, but it will get out of hand, and people will get hurt. There are a lot of psychotic qualities to mascots, and I need to see a venue where those traits can be fully explored.
- A new slam dunk contest where an exploding balloon filled with paint or whipped cream is the ball. Or a new variation on the slam dunk contest where you get points solely for how you celebrate following a massive dunk. Or, even better, allow players to dunk on a universally hated person, voted in by the fans.
- What about something like, say, twenty golden retrievers all running around the court in referee uniforms? And every five minutes in the game, twenty more will be let loose.
- Challenging various alien species to pick-up games against the NBA’s best starting five. We should all really be clamoring more to see Stephen Curry rain down three-pointers over a squid creature from Elipticon 7.
Oh look, all of the NBA’s All-Star problems have suddenly been solved. So if next year you hear that the NBA will allow mascots to impose martial law in the arena for one night, remember where you heard the idea first.