Link-Sharing Protocol, Version 7.0: Thanks to NASA, Being Lazy Now Pays


Who among us hasn’t spent an entire Saturday on the couch, watching every mediocre movie TBS decides to play throughout the day? And in that time, who among us hasn’t daydreamed of a reality without responsibilities, where your only objective in life was to chill as hard as you possibly could on the couch at all times?

“No,” we all end up telling ourselves. “I should get up. There’s no way I can get away with being this much of a lazy societal nonfactor.”

But thanks to NASA, all of your practice in being worthless has paid off, as you can earn $18,000 if you can dig deep and somehow find a way to stay in bed for 70 straight days while watching Netflix, reading, masturbating – anything you want, as long as you don’t stand up.

  • For years, we as a society have been begging to see every NFL team’s logo incorporate a penis and, finally, the day has come. Thanks to Kissing Suzy Kolber, we now live in a beautiful world where the Cleveland Browns’ helmet is used to protect a giant dong.
  • If you have any concerns about the movie industry, specifically the chokehold superhero films, sequels and franchises have on everything, this article from Mark Harris at Grantland is a great read. For much of the 2000’s, Hollywood has displayed an inability to promote much originality on a big, blockbuster scale. Of course, that comes from a lack of effort more than anything else, because a sequel (and now, almost any and all superhero movies) is such a safe bet that it really doesn’t pay to take as many chances on other material. And despite the public typically rejecting reboots of celebrated properties, it’s still probably more profitable for a studio to go that route than develop a completely unknown film and hope it can get by on the merits of simply being a great movie in its own right. But this structure – this device of leaving audiences hanging by insinuating that the NEXT movie will be even better (“Who even cares about this one? Just you wait!”) – is bound to eventually fail. It’s just not going away anytime soon, not until the diminishing returns fail to bring the profits needed to sustain it. But that’s going to be years, and it’s hard to imagine what Hollywood will look like by that point, or what it will take to even get there.
  • Have you ever lied awake at night, desperate to know why your doctor’s office doesn’t have any newer, up-to-date magazines? You can’t be expected to read an issue of People from sixth months ago – we’re supposed to be running a functional world, here! Well, after an intensive study, scientists have discovered the shocking truth about why those magazines are always so old: people steal the newer ones.
  • This is an article about Andrew Keegan – best known for being in 10 Things I Hate About You – and the religion he started in California. He says a lot of interesting philosophical/cosmic things in it, none of which make the least bit of sense. But it’s a good reminder that 10 Things I Hate About You is a great movie, and you should watch it again soon.
  • Joseph Fink has written a poem about New York City over at The Toast. Please let him tell you about the city, and read in dumbstuck non-New Yorker awe at what it means to be a real New Yorker.
  • French Toast Crunch ruled, and if you think otherwise, you’ve never been more wrong about anything in your life. But now that it has officially been resurrected from the dead, I’d like to know why people aren’t talking about this like it’s the best news to happen in at least a decade.
  • Attention: Wet Hot American Summer will indeed be coming to Netflix as a series of some kind.
  • Everyone wants to lose his/her mind over the trailers for Jurassic World and Star Wars: The Force Awakens With Morning Wood, but if you’re telling me I get to watch The Rock take on a natural disaster next year, sign me the hell up. I’ll just go to my local theater right now and start waiting at the door.


Steve DiMatteo

Author: Steve DiMatteo

Steve is an editor for Robot Butt. You can follow him on Twitter @steve_dimatteo.

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