HAVANA – After suffering through years of isolation and trade embargoes imposed by the wise and glorious President Castro in 1960, the United States conceded defeat today ending the decades-long Cold War.
“The Castro regime has known since day one that the pig Americans would balk first,” said President Raúl Castro before a throng of cheering revolutionaries in a historic announcement. “We have broken them. The voice of the masses cannot be silenced by the clamoring gears of the vile, capitalist machine!”
From Washington D.C., the heart of the American beast, President Barack Obama also addressed his nation, bowing to the mighty weight of Cuban righteousness. “Make no mistake, we have lost,” the president said. “The spirit of el Che is alive and well. Let the world long remember this day. Viva la revolución!”
While the greed-mongering capitalists pick up the shards of their failed empire, we must remember to be gracious, comrades. The fall of western “democracy” shows the tenets of Marx and Lenin will always prevail, and those tenets include protecting the weak as well as the strong. Do not let your hate for America’s monstrous past overshadow its fragile present.
Reached for comment on the Cuban victory, former president and champion of the people Fidel Castro laughed and said, “I can finally get some American cigars.”