Transportation in Milan, Italy and the Urge to Commit Violence

Milan Italy

A wise writer has said that Italians should have never been introduced to the automobile because they’re so horrendous behind the wheels of them. I would like to share my input, which deals with all types of Milanese transportation.

Milanese people should have never been introduced to the bicycle. If they’d never been introduced to the bicycle, maybe the scooter/moped/motorcycle would have never been introduced either, and between those things, you have the single worst thing about Milanese existence.

I talk a big game sometimes, but I’ve never actually been a violent person. Milanese bikers have made me want to commit violent acts to people ranging in age from childhood to antiquity, and this is not a joke. Here’s an incomplete list of some things you might see in the city:

  • People riding bikes on sidewalks despite there being bike lanes
  • People riding bikes on the sidewalk with headphones on
  • People riding bikes on the street with headphones on
  • People riding bikes on the street while texting/talking on the phone
  • People riding bikes on the sidewalk while texting/talking on the phone
  • People riding bikes the wrong direction down a one-way street…while talking on the phone or texting
  • People riding bikes and eating ice cream with one hand
  • People ringing the bells on their bikes as they take up the entire sidewalk
  • People riding their bikes or moped/scooters into the wrong lane so they can skip to the front of the line at a red light
  • Bikes running red lights (you see this in every country, but that doesn’t make it any more acceptable in Italy)
  • Bikers crossing lanes of traffic, forcing drivers to slam their brakes
  • Bikers and scooter-drivers driving briefly on the sidewalk before merging into traffic without looking first
  • People talking on the phone with one hand and speaking Italian with their other hand
  • People steering their bike with one hand and holding an umbrella in the other while being passed by a bus
  • Scooter drivers using the crosswalks instead of waiting for a light to change and turning

None, and I mean none, of these cyclists wear helmets. The scooter-drivers do, but that’s not important because they go fast enough that a helmet would explode upon impact with a stationary bus – which is something I’m eagerly awaiting.

So my advice is to explore Europe, and knock someone off their stupid moped if they’re being dicks.



Kevin Nye

Author: Kevin Nye

Kevin Nye grew up near Cleveland, was educated at Ohio University and was re-educated by living in Chicago and doing improv and sketch comedy. He is a triple threat of mediocrity.

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