The Thing (the 1982 version, of course) is one of the greatest sci-fi/horror movies of all time, thanks in large part to its groundbreaking use of terrifying practical effects and Kurt Russell’s tremendous mane of hair and beard. Minimalism works wonders in this film; after all, what’s scarier than being trapped in the middle of nowhere with a camouflaged alien presence that is picking people off one by one?
Apparently, someone out there thought the film needed vast improvements for a TV edit (you can thank TBS for this). Of course, that included greatly massacring the original cut by reducing the gore and violence down to nearly nothing. But more importantly, the “improvements” also included a narrator listing off odd introductions for each character in the movie, which included their backgrounds and why they were in Antarctica in the first place. There’s a far less egregious alternate ending, but that features the head-scratching narrating presence as well.
Take a look at these edits for yourself, then go cleanse yourself with the real thing on DVD.