“Bigger & Blacker Black Friday” Deteriorates Into Madness

Stan the Greeter

This is a picture taken of Stan the Greeter right before he disappeared back into the locked-in Walmart.

Salt Lake City, UT –The situation continues to deteriorate in the locked-in Walmart, as rioters have formed factions and begun warring among themselves for control of the store and power over the prices.

The tribes have been formed based on the five patches customers received upon entering the store, each bearing a distinctive image that have become crests for the opposing groups. The five images are the Walmart Smiley Face, a Christmas tree, a pile of presents, a skull and crossbones, and Santa Claus. The “Santas” have become associated with the Deer Cult and have so far proven to be the dominant force in the store, though a tentative alliance between them and the Smiley Face tribe seems to have been made.

Store manager Chad Wellmington, still speaking through Morse code from a broken window, released a statement earlier today. “There is no cause for alarm,” he said. “This is simply the magic of Black Friday.”

“And if anyone asks, the Santa Tribe is most certainly not attempting to purge the store of the other groups.”

Speaking through the front door glass, Stan the Greeter offered his own statement.

“Everything is great! This is really the best Black Friday we’ve ever had! Everyone coming together and…oh God. The people. There are just so many people…so much carnage…”

Stan stared off into space for a moment, eyes going dead, before snapping back to energetic life. “Oops, lost my train of thought for a bit. But seriously, this is just fantastic!”

Despite the assurances from the store management, local officials have begun to discuss ways of infiltrating the building to get a look at exactly what is happening inside without having to enter the store itself. As of publication, their ideas have been a really long periscope, an elaborate formation of mirrors, and staring at the walls really hard until they develop X-ray vision.

Robot Butt News Corp.

Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

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