Salt Lake City, UT – Starting at midnight Thursday, a local Walmart decided to open its doors for a Black Friday lock-in until December 6, but due to said lock-in, the only means of communication between the inside of the store and the outside world has been a flashlight shone through a window in a crude form of Morse code.
“I love it! It’s like having my best friends and family all in the same place, and they’re not allowed to leave,” Stan the Greeter slowly flashed to camera crews stationed outside of the Walmart. “Sure, we’ve had to put the occasional restraints on people trying to venture through the spike strips at the front of the store for their own safety, but every group has a few crazies.”
Since the store has become a veritable roach motel for people, literally no other form of communication has been established with the customers or workers inside. There have been reports of muffled group chants coming from the garage bay on the backside of the building. However, what these chants are saying is unknown, and it is even possible that they are not in English.
“I just want to address a rumor before it gets out of hand,” said Chad Wellmington, store manager, through a small hole in the window at the front of the store with various timed flashes. “It is true that some of the sports and outdoors section employees and guests have banded together to form a semi-religion, worshiping the large, life-like deer atop the gun case, but we can’t all bet on a winner. If you ask me, though, they should be worshiping our ungodly savings!”
There is no word on how many customers are currently inside of this labyrinthine structure, but some experts estimate as many as 15,000, and the number is growing as the sale continues. Drawn like a moth to the flame, Salt Lake residents just can’t seem to turn down a deal.