Salt Lake City, UT – Wanting to fully capitalize on this year’s amped-up Black Friday sales, Salt Lake-area Walmart manager Chad Wellmington announced that his store’s enlarged Black Friday will be an unending lock-in event.
“What’s the point in leaving?” said Wellmington, clear excitement dripping through his voice. “Walmart has everything you need, and while we’re already letting everyone raid the in-store Pizza Hut, there’s certainly no reason to let anyone out. They can get everything they need here.”
Starting at midnight Thursday, any customer who enters the Walmart will be not be allowed to leave until the end of the Black Friday sale on December 6. Wellmington explained the various methods in which people were to be kept in the store, mostly with the aid of crudely drawn blueprints for booby traps. For example, all exits will be fitted with rows of sharp spikes that will impale anyone who tries to get out.
“They’re like a car spike strip,” Wellmington said. “But for people.”
Wellmington maintained that the decision is meant to boost profits by forcing people to spend even more money while they are trapped in the store. At press time, he was seen during final preparations having a very loud argument with himself, randomly covered in what was certainly someone else’s blood and continuously licking one floor tile of the store clean with his tongue.
There has been some pushback from other employees. Home and Gardening manager Mitch Carrel is wary of keeping people in the Walmart during the entire Black Friday event.
“All of these low prices, they can do strange things to a man,” Carrel said in a low, weathered voice. “You spend too much time around them, and the low, low prices and unbelievable deals can mess with your head…make you see things you’re not sure are there.”
Stan the Greeter from Salt Lake, however, remains optimistic. “I think it’s going to be great. It’ll be like having one big family over,” he said. “Giving everyone the patches will be a great way to break the ice and foster community and maybe improve this great country of ours, this great country that many of my friends died for so many years ago.”
“This can only work out for the best,” Stan said through misty eyes.