The Senate Doesn’t Like to Party: An Op-Ed on the Keystone XL Pipeline

Xander Simmons III

Xander Simmons III, Chief Executive Partier

This is a message to my fellow, dear Americans, including those fat cats up in Washington, and it is a simple one – you really screwed up. You saw an opportunity, and what did you do? You tossed it out the window. You squandered it, and in doing so, caused the unnecessary suffering of many American citizens.

I’ve never been so disgusted with the bureaucrats of this country as I am at this moment, and every citizen of this, the greatest country in the world, should be, too.

You don’t even have to ask me, Xander Simmons III, President of the University of Houston Chapter of SigEp (Sigma Phi Epsilon if you didn’t already know), why I am so upset because I’ll tell you. 59 Senators, last Monday, decided not to extend the Keystone XL Pipeline, and in doing so, also decided against providing delicious, free Keystone Light to the citizens of Houston, Texas. Why? Because of some animals that probably would have loved drinking the free beer extended to them. You never even gave them a chance.

I dream of an America that serves its people. I dream of an America that provides for its people. I dream of an America that allows bros like me and my bros to accept free Keystone Light from our bros in Canada whenever we like, without the “permission” of the “United States” Senate. That America, unfortunately, is not the America we currently live in. We live in an America that, and it pains me to say this, doesn’t like to party.

For shame, U.S. Senators. There is nothing more party than free beer; yet, like so many of your predecessors, you don’t understand what is best and most party for the country. Desegregation was really party, and there were Senators that stood in Dr. King’s way. The Trail of Tears was super not party, yet many Senators supported it.

I hope, after you’ve eaten your tofurkey on Thanksgiving, you’ll take a moment to realize the thirst you’ve caused for not only Houston, but the country. This is a step in the wrong direction, and I just pray that you’ll realize your mistake and work to fix it soon.




Xander Simmons III

Author: Xander Simmons III

President of the University of Houston Chapter of Sigma Phi Epsilon. President of the United States in 2032.

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