New York City Celebrates Eradication of Trees

New York Celebration

NEW YORK Proud New Yorkers from all five boroughs took to the streets today to celebrate the elimination of the last tree in the city, representing the end to an epidemic that has plagued the city since its founding.

As recently as 2010, New York City was reported to have over five million trees infesting public and private spaces around the city, with a dangerous concentration located in Manhattan’s Central Park. Steady progress had been made on removing trees from the city since the 1956 “No Need for Trees” campaign spearheaded by Mayor Robert Wagner, who vowed to make New York “a modern city of steel, cement and nothing else.”

But, as of this morning, the National Forestry Service officially confirmed that the city was free of all trees, tree seeds and any especially tall bushes. In a statement this morning the Service said, “This is a spectacular success story that shows nature can be contained. Other infested cities across the nation have much to learn from the amazing work the people of New York did in this fight.”

Residents were also happy to hear the fight against trees was finally over. Jimmy Gambino, a construction worker and resident of Queens, said that he never gave up hope.

“I grew up with the shadow of trees looming over the city,” Gambino said. “It infected everything we did as kids. From being forced to use a tree to hold a tire swing ’cause there was no room for a swing-set, to never getting no sun in my bedroom ’cause of the shade from the tree outside my window. That’s why I’m excited to finally say ‘Not in my city!'”

With the tree epidemic finally taken care of, Mayor Bill de Blasio said he looks forward to making good on his campaign promise to eliminate street trash by doubling the city’s rat population.



Robot Butt News Corp.

Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

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