25. Life is a series of random moments strung together by tendrils of futility until you ultimately expire and are forgotten. This list is a moment no greater or worse than the birth of your first child.
24. You are an immigrant attempting to learn about American culture and have given yourself literally no filter.
23. Boss isn’t watching.
22. Jimmy No-Name says that $5,000 is due by Tuesday, so we need these fucking page views.
21. Curiosity killed the cat and your cat-killing quota has been slipping this week.
20. You’re sitting on the toilet – what do you want, Proust?
19. Purdy picture.
18. Two of your friends shared this so there has to be something to it, right?
17. Christ, anything to avoid talking to Cheryl right now.
16. The DTs you’re experiencing make your clicker finger really trigger-happy.
15. Working on crafting fake online identity.
14. Jimmy No-Name sent some guys around but we hid in the crawlspace. Come on, please. We got kids.
13. You’re easily psychologically manipulated.
12. Your granddaughter “liked it” on Facebook and you need some window into her life.
11. Part of your job description as an NSA agent.
10. The goblin living in your left temple has demanded it. He must be sated, or the bloodhornets will fly anew.
9. Hey, might be some tits.
8. You’ve always loved the number 25 and have built your entire life around it. Amongst your collection, you have exactly 25 dress shirts, pants, coffee mugs, dress shoes, tennis shoes, knives, forks, spoons, sporks, dishes, copies of 25th Hour, children, 1998 Geo Metros, teeth, Hamburglar costumes and snakes. You needed this article.
7. Gotta get your money’s worth from this Megabus WiFi.
6. Sometimes you don’t want to read about goddamn child armies or sex-slave rings in The Atlantic, okay?
5. Free will is an illusion. You will click on this article. You did click on this article. You have always clicked on this article.
4. Shelia down the hall says these things are such a hoot!
3. Testing out your new eyes.
2. JIMMY NO-NAME’S GOT A KNIFE TO OUR FUCKING BALLS!