The Zombie Apocalypse Shouldn’t Mean an End to Your Sex Life

Jake Grifter, Sex Tipster

Jake Grifter, Sex Tipster

Let’s say you and your mate find yourself in a much-dreaded post-apocalyptic situation, zombies are everywhere, and each day is another fight for survival. At some point simply surviving is going to get boring. You’re going to need to find something to, well let’s say, “stimulate” yourself with. Lucky for you, your world is absolutely crawling with some of the wildest, kinkiest toys you will ever find use for.

Safety First: Knock Their Teeth Out

Zombies are always hungry, especially for brains. But that doesn’t mean you can’t repurpose that insatiable hunger into something that might make your lady blush. Once you’ve caught one, go ahead and just knock all their teeth out. Now that you’re left with a gummed-up sucker who’s still trying to bite anything they can get their hands on, tie it to the ground, face up. Bring your favorite survivalist lady friend into the room and introduce her to her new non-electric Sybian Machine.

Surviving Means Making Do

Who among the living doesn’t enjoy a good dildo? You either use it to please others or yourself – either way someone’s getting off. In the apocalypse, you may lose track of your favorite ding-dong stick, or not have time to pack it.

Not to worry! The humerus bone is incredibly phallus-like, and there are two of them connected to every one of those undead things walking around! Once the body starts to decompose, you’ll notice that they walk more slowly. Just run up, rip their limb off, then leave the limb outside where animals can pick it clean!

Don’t Panic! The Apocalypse Isn’t the End of Ball Torture

Sexy ZombieAre you one of the millions of male Americans that absolutely loves having their balls tortured? If you’re like me, then you just love it when your testicles get tugged on – the more force, the better! Well just because you’re stuck inside doesn’t mean you can’t stay entertained. Go ahead and wrangle another zombie, just like you did for the Sybian machine, except this time your lady isn’t the one that gets to have all the fun.

Get a long rope and loop it around a post or tree, then tie one end to the zombie and the other end around your scrotum. Then make some noise.The zombie will begin lumbering towards you, effectively pulling on your balls.

But remember, the fresher a zombie, the stronger it’ll be. So always do like Jake Grifter, and know your limits!

I hope you’ve enjoyed these tips, and remember, keep it consensual and the sex will be eventual! Also, you don’t need to gain consent from a zombie, since it isn’t sentient. Isn’t that good news?




Jake Grifter

Author: Jake Grifter

I'm Robot Butt's official sex columnist. I've had sex before - now let me tell you about it.

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